Inspiration from unlikely places

Two days ago I covered a Marquette University event featuring the singer and musician, John Ondrasik, from Five for Fighting.

Coming into the piece, I knew the story would be heart filled and entertaining, growing up listening to his music like, "A Hundred Years" and "Superman". But what I didn't expect is to be completely inspired-- about my career and about his.

Ondrasik grew up surrounded by music. His mom was a piano teacher and he began lessons at age three. His dad, on the other hand, was an aerospace engineer and did numerous projects with NASA.

When he went to college, Ondrasik thought about what he wanted to do with his life, and had the same questions as me. What is going to get me a job? Is this what I really love? Should I think realistically about my future or fantacize about it?

What he ended up majoring in was Applied Math, a skill he says, "he rarely uses today." But besides that, Ondrasik says he put in over 100,000 hours of work, performed in hundreds of small venues and wrote thousands of songs before he ever got paid for it.

He told the audience to do what you love, but if that doesn't work, find something you are interested in so you can fall back on that too.

I am a person of many interests and hobbies. I enjoy writing, science, dance and occasionally an algebra problem or two. My family has always told me that if I really want something, I can achieve it with hard work and practice.

This idea has helped me through some frustrating times in my life as well as encouraged me to teach myself new skills. I have taught myself how to play guitar, walk on stilts and do the splitz.

So if I'm really interested in both, why can't I do Science and Journalism? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why do I have to limit myself to one skill, when life is always changing and teaching me new things about my identity as a person?

I know Jake would've wanted me to follow my heart, and follow my dreams, but I wasn't sure what that entailed. When I met Jake, I was an aspiring environmentalist who craved to save the world by spreading the word about pollution and how we could reduce our carbon footprint. That was something Jake always loved about me-- I had high goals and aspirations and had it set in my mind that I could achieve them if I put in the long hours and work. At the time I wore organic clothing, rode my bike and was a vegetarian for a little while.

After seeing Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvient Truth, it scared me. Actually...it terrified me. But I don't think that was the film's goal, or even its purpose. Yes, it was supposed to wake us up, help us realize that although it may be "inconvient" to make environmental change we HAVE to do something to about it. It was meant to inspire and encourage viewers to act now while we still have the chance. And that is what that film did. It inspired me.

I am still on the quest for finding out what I want out of life, and what my calling is as a student and a person. Going and covering the Five for Fighting event really sparked something in me, and ignited a thought that I haven't considered in a while.

What kind of world do I want? Think anything...

What if Money Didn't Matter

Have you ever asked yourself, "what if money didn't matter?"

What would our world be like, and how would our lives change? Would we be more happy as a whole or have nothing to with our time?

The average American spends half of their adult life at their job, but if money didn't matter, would it be this way? How would our society and perceptions of the work place differ if money really didn't matter?

I came across this video today and was very interested in the subject. It showed me the importance of doing what I love, and hopefully getting a well-payed job because of it. I cannot stress how important it is to live every second as it counts, every moment as if it matters. Because it really does.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8nif01WZ9aI

Now that Jake isn't here to expierience this life, I feel as if it's my duty and obligation to live my life to the fullest not only for him, but also for myself.

Try something you've never thought about doing, laugh until you cry, work hard but also take a deep breath now and then too.

John Lennon once said:

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

This was the senior quote I choose for my 1/4 page in the year book, as well as a saying I try to live by. Whenever I am having a bad day, or am not sure about where my life is headed, I take out a piece of paper I have in my wallet and read this quote.

It's just a looseleaf sheet I hand wrote, but it's a reminder to put every happening in life into perspective.

I encourage you to try it out. Write down your favorite quote, or better yet, google and find an inspirational saying that means something to you. Put it in a place you have a lot of access to-- like your bookbag, wallet or a pocket.

Whenever you have doubts, or seem like you are not doing what you love, ask yourself: "What if money didn't matter?"

A look through the years

As I was reading my past entries from 2010 until now, I have noticed a profound improvement in my writing and how I have evolved to come to terms with Jake's death.

I am so glad I have been able to use this site as an online journal to document this love story, and to look back on how the relationship started. I have only been in love once, and loved that person with every ounce of my being. Sometimes I forget that, getting so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life I don't stop in gratitude of the love that I shared. Not many can say they had their first love in grade school, much less having that person pass away when you were the age of fifteen.

I think this blog has helped me tremendously to be able to share what happened. I tend to shut others out when we get too close, and try to forget about the accident and pretend everything is okay.

But it's not okay.

The accident did happen and there are some days when I feel lost, and others when I feel completly alone. But the truth of the matter is, I've had more good days than bad and more love than I could ever ask for. I am so lucky to have even met an amazing guy like Jake, considering all of the judgements and hatred in our world today. He was a one-of-a-kind. What we had I wouldn't trade for all of the heartache and all of the tears I have shed because of him.

What I am trying to say is, while looking at the posts through the years, I am so proud of how much I have opened up and exposed, even though this is an online blog.

Writing is such a precious tool, a gift and a blessing that allows me express myself in a way that verbal words can't. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading over the years and I plan to keep writing for years to come.

This is my life. Am I who I want to be?

I have been trying to find the answer to this question for months now. But unlike my Biology or Communications class, the answers cannot be found in a book. They are inside me, a place where I haven't come to know myself.

Since the fifth grade I have always aspired to be a writer-- it just came naturally to me. My reading was always at an accelerated level and I was speaking in full sentences before I was two years old. Language has always been an important aspect of my life, and journalism and writing are no different. My beginnings started with my dad reading the St. Louis Post Dispatch every morning when he came home from work. He worked long night hours at UPS, so when he came home my mother, brother, sister and I made sure he had his paper and glass of milk. He always told us how reading, especially the newspaper, was so important to do.

My dad grew up with a moderate case of dyslexia which affects the brain's ability to process numbers and words in correct order. As a child, my father had trouble reading, and the newspaper and comics section helped him. "If not for the Post-Dispatch," my father would say, "I would not be able to read this day."

News and the media, if showed honorably and accurately, are a vital tool for society. The papers, as I have seen especially growing up, are a cost-efficient way to bring the news to all people, not only the ones who can afford it.

When I was in first grade, a terrible accident happened in my family. I was spending the night over my grandparents and while I was away, a house fire burned all of my family's possessions.

Although my parents and siblings got out okay, it still left a mark on my perception of material items and a sense home in general. When our house burned down, I did not have the toys or clothes I once had, nor did my mother have her wedding dress nor my dad his photographs. Everything in the house besides a few bricks, a board game and my diary were ruined.

As an eight-year-old, with two younger siblings, our entire sense of home was shattered. Society today places an emphasis on exterior houses, with new siding and doors. But what companies fail to realize is the significance of what is inside the building. When my family lost so much, we had to focus on what we did have—each other.

I remember a time when my brother and I were upset about a week after the accident. We were over my grandparents' house (who lived next door to us) and were crying saying how we didn't have a home anymore. I will never forget what my dad told us after sternly ordered us to stop.

"I don't ever want to hear that again. Our house was ruined, not our home. Our family is home, we are home."

And every time after, whenever I felt sad about moving around a lot, or having no toys to play with, I was thankful that my family was still alive.

When moving in and out of extended family's houses, apartments and hotels there were two things that were constant-- us as a family staying together and my dad reading his newspaper.

Even though we were scraping for cash, my parents still put a priority to be informed as to what was happening in the world.

As many can tell, writing and news has always been an important part of my life.
______________________________________________________________

But now I am at a crossroads. So much has changed since I was an eight-year-old girl, or even a sophomore in high school, when I lost my best friend Jake Ritz in a plane crash.

I am in college now, and instead of fantasizing about my career, I actually have to face reality and decide. And I'm not sure how.

Let me explain further:
After Jake passed, something inside of me shut down. Once before I had high aspirations to change the world-- environmentally and socially. I was constantly outside walking my two dogs at a local park. Being around nature has always brought great solace and comfort to me and exercising made it even better.

At the time, I wanted to travel around the world on a hot-air balloon and live every single second to the fullest. After Jake was gone, it seemed that all of my high dreams died with him. I no longer even went outside, spending the rest of that summer alone in my room crying.

But something changed. Something brought me back to life and allowed me to feel again. It was dance. It was moving my body while having fun. It was showing the world my feelings of hate, disgust and anguish without saying one word.

I tried to write again, I really did. I wrote in my journal a few times but just couldn't find the words to say what I was feeling. And when I did, the words came out like a rushing tidal wave, just like the tears that streamed down my face. I was unable to hold it back, putting my journal down and crying for days.

Dance allowed me to forget about what happened, even if it was just for a mere sixty seconds. It enabled me to see past my loss and focus on me getting better and being happy. Exercise and dance rescued me in my time of need, writing didn't.
_______________________________________________________________

So currently I have a problem, which to choose for a career? Journalism or Exercise Physiology? Both I love, both I am passionate about. But I am not sure which I love more, because I love them for different reasons. Either of the two career paths I could see myself being thoroughly happy in, each bringing a different part of me to the table.

What do you think? If you were in my position what would you choose?

This is my life. And I'm not sure who I want to be.

Feeling good

As I said before in a previous post, I will try and post a status everyday that has a song which corresponds to what I am feeling or about the day I've had. I hope all of you had a wonderful day today as well.

I am in a fun and great mood. So I thought, what better way to amuse myself and put off homework than to look up some good, well-thought and thought-provoking quotes!

Quotes to me are wonderful ways to express your feelings and desires, while using someone else's words. At times, vocaling your emotions can be difficult, and when finding a quote that totally relates to you, and identifies your situation, it's like fitting a piece into a puzzel or finding buried treasure. Sayings from others help me to continue my search for complete understanding of how the world works, and to see it from a new perspective.


Here are some quotes I found in the library earlier today:
1. Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up. -Pablo Picasso

2. You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -Gandhi

3. Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. -Dr. Seuss

4. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. -Thomas Edison

5. Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. -G.K. Chesterton

6. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

7. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstein

8. Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

9. Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.

10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll


Well.... there they are. Enjoy my song for the day! Have a great weekend.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVOTfo7hJUc&feature=related

Now I understand

Have you ever known real life "mean girls"? People you may have met in middle school, high school and maybe even now. Ever wonder how they got so mean, what made them the way they are? I recently was asking myself this question and I think I finally get it.

So... there was this girl, let's just call her Sarah. I knew her throughout grade school and into middle. She was always the gossiper, the two face... pretty much the grade school version of bitch. Sarah was so mean and hateful, even to the people who were her friends. She seemed to live an awesome life-- having a fun and trendy style to complement her cute figure.

Although Sarah had all of these things, there was still something missing. And when she came to my school in St. Louis, Missouri in fourth grade, I quickly found out what it was.

Sarah had no dad. Her and her younger sister were raised by their mother the past couple years, and I'm still not sure what he passed away from. Although she herself never told me, I heard from other girls in my class about her loss and it finally became verified when my mother told me what Sarah's own mother had confided in her the day before.

"I know Sarah can be mean sometimes, but you should really give her a break," my mom would say.

Even after listening to my mom's advice, I still was hesitant about letting her bad behavior go. At the time, I never really knew loss and thought that this tragic happening gave her no right to be mean to me, much less anyone else.

I still believe this to be true, but I also have a new perspective in a totally different light. Now dealing with true and real grief, I can relate to some of the reasons why Sarah acted the way she did.

A little over three years after Jake's death, I am still grieving and getting through day by day. People who haven't expierienced this or just don't know, don't expect the grieving process to take this long. That shortly after the funeral you're just supposed to go on with life, just as everyone else. But it doesn't work that way. People grieve differently, cope differently and heal differently. And no matter who you are, after losing someone you truly love, you will always have that part of them with you. I believe, someone can't fully heal from something like that; they can come to terms with the loss, enjoy life again, but that person will always be on their minds and hearts and that's how it should be.

When dealing with enormous amounts of grief, it can be hard to find someone who you identify with, someone who understands. Someone who gets that you're going to be sad, and sad for a reason. That months or even years after the happening you're not going to be fully whole again, because that person has left an imprint on your life.

Because of this, many (including myself) put on the "happy face" and pretend everything's okay. Although everything might not be fine, they don't want to lose any more friends or important people in their life, so they pretend they are dealing well. Generally, people don't like sadness, hurt or pain. And thus, don't like to see loved ones that way either. But what makes grief so hard to deal with is that the person can't make it better.

Us as human beings strive to improve, to change and to make positive of bad situations. But in grief, all that can heal is time, and we are very impatient. Many supporters and friends usually give up on the person they are trying to help because they have come to terms that whatever they do, it won't fix it. Rather than simply just being there, many loose contact and a healthy, thriving relationship.

Like me, I also feel Sarah had these same issues. She was coming to a new school, didn't know anyone and was trying to fit it in. Who wants to hang out with a girl they just met, whose going through hell and back? Not many. I feel for Sarah and understand why she shut people out. Having friends who are just there with you through the good times are better than having none at all.





My song today is titled "What It's Like" by Everlast. Although there is some profane language, the message stands true and allows the listener, especially myself, to think about the situations of others. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPoEA43cqKc

We are the Same

I know it's been a long time since the accident happened, but that doesn't take away its significance and how it makes me feel. I try to hide what I'm feeling and put on the happy face, hoping things will get better if I do. But so far, they haven't. I still miss my best friend and our long walks in the park together. I still miss seeing his smiling face when he scored a hockey goal or when I held his hand. I crave to hear his laugh, to feel his hugs and to actually hold a conversation with him. I am such a perfectionist and not being able to fix this is killing me. There is absolutely nothing I can do.

Music, to me, brings solace. Solace that I don't think anything else can. It allows me to expierience its message, and have something to identify with. Music understands me, and I understand it as well. It's something about putting the Music and Lyrics together that makes it magical, makes it apart from the rest. It calms me, and lets me relax. Because of this love for music, I propose this:

Every day I will post on this blog a song that describes what I am feeling, or summarizes my day. I hope you guys enjoy the songs as much as I do, and can find music as something that relates to you as well. There will be a variety of different tunes, each with a specific meaning and reflection. I hope this brings more consistency to my posts, and allows you to connect with music as much as I do.

"Music does bring people together. It allows us to experience the same emotions. People everywhere are the same in heart and spirit. No matter what language we speak, what color we are, the form of our politics or the expression of our love and our faith, music proves: We are the same.” John Denver

What it means to "remember"

To never forget. Cherish each and every memory, and bring those memories everywhere you go. To never doubt the high possibility that things will change, as all things do. But knowing that these changes bring you closer to the person you are meant to be and to the person you want to become. To stare fear straight in the face and say “hey, I can and will remember, even though it may be hard. I will remember because those memories are worth remembering.”

To trust. Trust that the hope of things getting better can and will exist. To never give up and keep fighting until the very end. Fight to remember the good times instead of the bad, fight to stay strong and be honest, and fight to be true to who you really are.

Remembering isn’t just a verb, it’s a subject, a noun, a way of life in which we honor and hold dear everything that is real to us. Every memory or laugh, every tear and every simple joy that we may have. “To remember” has far more credibility than we give it. Remembering and moving forward are two of the most highest honors and strengths a person can have. The ability to know your past, and still look to the future is a trait that most people want, and is a hard trait to develop.

Staring into space and measuring what the brain is capable of is mind bottling. But as researchers have said, a person can literally “train” their brain to forget. Forget all the pain, forget all the people you’ve hurt, forget the good memories because it’s too hard to deal—all of these examples are not uncommon. Denial is fear. Fear that when you come back to real life, you won’t be able to cope. It’s like a mental hibernation, when the person doesn’t realize they’ll eventually have to wake up. Wake up and face all of the things they’ve forgotten, or just didn’t want to remember.

Fear is only what we make it. Fear only has power if we let it. Fear is not something we should be afraid of—because we are stronger. Stronger than all the hurt, all the people that cut us down, all the rotten luck. We are stronger than fear, so we choose to remember.

Rudine

My roomate and I were watching Oprah reruns and we came across a very heart-wrenching video. Pulling at every emotional string, Oprah attemps to help and console a woman who has been battling this life-threating disease for decades. It shows the progess she made, but also her tragic ending. This video caused me to really evaluate my life and just be a more caring and understanding person. Watching these interviews caused me to have mixed emotions of sadness, sympathy, compassion and helplessness. And even four days after viewing, I can't seem to get this woman--Rudine--out of my head. Please watch.

**Note: this video contains graphic images that may be unsuitable for certain individuals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOyqpKXJBXw

Advice

God I wish I was better at this, better at connecting with people. Sometimes I find myself in a trans-- a sort of trans I can't get myself out of. It's like I enjoy being alone than I do with others. Call me a loner, call me depressed, I don't care. Just let me explain myself.

You can put your total trust into someone, someone you may have recently met or maybe someone you have been familiar with for a while. With this trust, there comes the possibility of this person betraying you, lying, letting you down, leaving or that person could even die. Why would you want to do that-- put yourself out there with that high chance of getting hurt? How could you ever really connect with someone again? Is it worth the fear?


I am so confused, so if you got the answer, please tell me. I need some advice.


-Caty

As I have discovered, college is a lot different than high school. It makes you think. It makes you think about the world in a new perspective, and see issues from different views than your own. It allows you to find self-discovery while making decisions that are best for you, rather than for someone else. College is such an exciting and scary time, and I really wish Jake was here to expierience it with me.


I came across this song today and fell in love. Deep, connected love that bound me into each well-thought out lyric that descibe my life completely. I was so stunned today when I heard this, and how relevant to my life it actually was, I just had to stop. I stopped everything I was doing, even stoppped breathing for a second. And just listened.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM

Rekindling with the Familar

Hello fellow bloggers-- I know its been a while.

On my time off from my short but passionate blogging obsession I have:

-Learned to stand on pointe
-Attended the two most amazing concerts ever. Katy Perry and the Script. <3
-Met Hot Chelle Ray (they sing "tonight tonight")
-Managed to apply to TEN colleges. Yes ten.
-Received six acceptance letters thus far. Yes! Got into college! Can you believe it?
-Received no rejection letters from any college-- I hope that's a good thing?
-Performed my very first concert as a "RK Voice"
-Read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Kushner and found it extremely disappointing
-Had two, but not so serious boyfriends in the past year and a half.
-Broken up with the two, not so serious boyfriends in the past year and a half.
-Iceskated for the very first time at Steinbergs
-Grown to thoroughly enjoy Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
-Been an active member of the YMCA, participating in "Zumba" classes at least once a week
-Gotten through Jake and I's fifth year anniversary
-Actually went out on Jake and I's anniversary
-Hoped for Jake to come back
-Wanted Jake to come back
-Never stopped loving Jake.